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calgarydave

Bad Humour Time

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This guy was lonely so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some dicsussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face against the centipedes house and started shouting, "Hey in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my fucking shoes."

 

MY FAVORITE JOKE OF ALL TIME:

Three sisters are talking to their dad about how they got their names. "Why did you name me Rose?" one of them asked.

"Because when me and your mom were bringing you home from the hospital after you were born, a rose petal landed on your head."

"Why did you name me Daisy?" another one asked.

"Because when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a daisy petal landed on your head."

"Werrrr geggg ugghh? hjklll?"

"Shut up, Cinderblock!"

 

Me and my friends almost piss ourselves when we try to tell it.

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3 women driving in teh country side...

A Storm ensues and teh car breaks down...

the three women take shelter in a nearby barn spooking teh animals...

the farmer heads out to check...

the women hide....

The farmer checks teh cow...the brunette behind the cow goes "mooo"

The farmer....the cow is allright

The farmer checks the pig .. the redhead behind the cow goes "oink"

the farmer....the pig is allright

the farmer walks by the potatoes and the blonde goes...."po - tay-toe"

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a drunk indian is walking thru a feild on the rez...

he finds a lamp and opens it...a genie pops out

genie says you get three wishes so teh indian thinks a while

he says "I dont wanna be indian anymore"

genie turns him into a white guy

he says "I wanan be rich too, a billionaire"

the genie nods and a pile of money falls outta nowhere

he says "third...I dont wanna work another day in my life again"

The genie turns him back into an indian

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