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The Shwa

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oshawa does suck. but then again, you can't really be held responsile for where your parents decide to set up a family.


Oh Oshawa, that city in motion, that GM capital of Canada, that armpit of Toronto... what a reputation you have indeed!


I noticed in a completely unrelated threads, lots of folks have some interesting stories involving the ol'shwa. It is an interesting place to say the least.



I, unfortunately, have lived here for about 4 years and I just so happen to work in one of the most fascinating areas of this booming GTA city. I've seen quite a bit. All you can do is laugh sometimes!


One of the most interesting things about Oshawa is the mullet capita. I am convinced that there is a gravitational pull forcing the the hair folicals at the back of your head to grow down while the top of your head remains amune. What is the result of this cataclysmic gravitas force you ask?


Business in the front, Party in the back. Oh yes!


The following is a study I conducted from my workplace in Midtown Oshawa:




June 19th, 2005


Today I write one of my most introspective, well thought out and meaningful entries to date.  I bring you the mullet quest.



The following will make you think. 

It will make you laugh.

It will make you cry. 

It may down right make you pee your pants.

Proceed with caution


For years the mullet has intrigued mankind.  The Kentucky waterfall has turned heads.  And the short-long has proven that a balance between business and pleasure can co-exist in a fashion that no one can dare tame.  As a man of science, this past week I have dedicated myself on a quest to better the planet.  I implored my co-worker Dr. Mike Murphy (PHD in sciencification) to assist me in gathering statistics on the mythical mullet.  Since our work, is located in the heart of Oshawa in the ever-busy Midtown Mall we studied the amount of mullets entered our store... these are our findings: 


*please note: Mullet includes the infamous skullet and fem-mullet in this case study*


Sunday, June 12th 2005 (by Kyle)

Sample Time: 12pm - 5pm

Total Customers: 45

Total Mullets Customers: 7



Findings: 16% adorned mullets


Monday, June 13th 2005 (by Kyle)

Sample Time: 4pm - 8pm

Total Customers: 10

Total Customers who wore it just like they didn

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There are a surprising number of mormons too actually.


You're right tho, in fact, I have another pre-written story from my book of shwa (aka old blog)


the following is my opinion and you may or may not agree with it. I dont wanna debate it really, I'm merely posting this response to give a Oshawa-tastic stories on my experience with hardcore christians.



From victory to massacre (exerpt) July 23, 2005


I was at work and within my last half hour a woman walked into the store.  As she was cashing out, she made a comment about having to give into an american corporation to acquire a product our canadian suppliers didn't ship to my store.  I appreciated her patriotism so I decided to join in her rant by giving some of my own opinions of Canadian/Us corporations and international business.


We agreed for the most part, but the point where our views split was when she said most of her thoughts related back to scripture and the bible.


I didn't agree with what she was saying about omens and prophecies and J/C saving the day for the devote Christians when the big day does come... but I listened to what she had to say with quiet appreciation.  I could have interupted her right off the bat and dismissed her opinions as foolish, but what could I ever learn if I ignored things I disagree with?  In actual fact I listened to her religious views on current affairs with an open mind. 


Her husband, a balding senior man, entered the store in search of his wife since our talk gave her a long delay.  She told her husband that it had been refreshing talking to me.  Hey there might be hope for the future afterall?  Right!?!  That is until they found out I was a satanist.


According to them, that's exactly what I was as soon as they discovered I didn't agree with their way of thinking  Go figure, when I gave my opinion as an assumed child of christ I was a "refreshing young lad", however, as soon as they found out I haven't "met jesus" I was spewing EVIL inspired from Lusipher himself.



The man asked how long I have been walking with Jesus.  This was an extremely uncomfortable question as I was dealing with this as work, but I refused to lie for his sake, thus I said I didn't walk with him.  His wife went off on tangent that I can still find salvation and that people dont go into heaven on their own, they go into heaven through the blood on the cross.The man added, "no one forced Christ on the cross son, he did it for us on his own"


Hmm... maybe I've been miss informed.  I always thought those burly soldier folk with pointy spears forced jesus on the cross, hence the nails.  No matter, I smiled and nodded as much as I could.  That is until the husband tried to do an In-store conversion.  The exact thought that rant through my head was "Holy fuck, I'm closing in 5 minutes and they want to pray! I still have to count the pennies!!"


I was threatened that if I refused their prayers I would be embracing satan and denying the lord.  I only shook my head and said I'm sorry, I respect your beliefs but at this point I do not share them.  He said he was sorry too and attempted one of the lowest forms of bullying.  Terrorism if you will.  He fear mongered by telling me tomorrow I could get hit by a bus and go to hell because of my choice.


In my mind it shows greater strength of character to maintain high morals and to be a good person without the fear of hell as a motivating factor.  In truth wouldn't you just be cheating yourself if you only "act" good because you dont want to put up with an eternity of fire and poking?  Honestly, I would like to think I am a good person who grasps the concepts of right and wrong but I do so on my own free will and with my own judgment.  Not that of some higher power or lower tormentor. 


As aforementioned I do not begrudge anyone for having a religion but when it is being forced upon me THAT is where I draw the line.  I was not going to back down.  I looked him dead in the eye and told him I could die right at this very moment without fear of his hell.  Slightly shocked by my answer, he asked me what did I believe in if not his god... calm and cool I only said one word




He and his wife both gave one of those "Pugh!" *gimmeabreak* laughs. He shook my hand and said this conversation was over.  They left the store.  The A/C was cranked, yet the tension left me sweating.  The simple audacity of some people to resort to bullying their views and damning me for disagreeing.  Respectfully disagreeing at that!



So apparently, everyone, my actions today have taken me down a path of fire and brimstone with the prince of darkness himself.  Does anyone have a goat I could sacrifice?  I just love how some people think they have all the answers and if they dont, well there's no point in debating it because that's just the way it is.  He is awesome, that's just the way it is because that's the way he wants it. 


There you have it a shopping trip turned into a conversation about corporate america turned into a conversation about global warming turned into a conversation about religion turned into an attempted conversion a retail store.  Yeish! 


In some twisted way I'm sure the couple felt they were doing me a favour or helping out JC but they failed to follow another common ground in most religions... save judgment for the devine. Well, I'm off to carve a pentagram into my arm.


Woodoo and peace out,


Edited by Kyle86
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I only mention hardcore Christians because my aunts and uncles that live East of the Centre of the Universe are quite uppity with their beliefs.


One of them thinks the Earth is 6,000 years old. I got into a debate with him last night about the subject. The man has no concept of basic science. Tried to tell me that radiocarbon dating was ineffective because water running along rocks would somehow interfere with "all those neutrons bouncing around."


He works in the nuclear power plant, by the way.

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1. Pickup trucks

2. Hardcore Christians

3. "Downtown"


Need I say more?

You forgot that we have the largest percentage of high school teenage mother dropouts.


My Uncle put it best the first time he visited Oshawa in '99. In his 2.5km motorcycle ride from the 401 (Highway) to the Tim's on Wentworth, he saw a shitload of HSTM's. The first thing he said to me was "What's the deal with these Oshawa girls, every girl I saw was pushing a stroller."


It's times like these that make me wonder how I didn't lose my virginity sooner.

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Oh man it was only a matter of time till a Shwa' talk would begin here. I went to University of Ontario Institute of Technology for one year and got the fuck out, i now go to Carleton thank god! And yes, large populations of teenage mothers, GM' plant workers who are really the working poor, and mullets! UOIT is on North Simcoe drive for anyone here who doesnt yet go to Durham or UOIT and is about the only area in the shwa which looks half decent, going "downtown" with the sketchiest people in the world had some good times for about three minutes.

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Don't soup up the UOIT, it still sucks donkey balls.


The Lake is pretty nice in the summer (if it doesn't stink) and some of the trails are nice to be on when they're not full of litter. I can't really think of any 'nice' places other than some of the houses in mid-north shwa.

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Unless you want to bribe and/or blow my teachers (they are all male) and make your statement that much more possible, you're quite welcome to realize that I was simply playing along.


But seriously though, are you up for it?

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