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The "one-up" Thread

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I once drank a bottle of tequila and woke up the next morning beside the toilet with a lime in my pocket. As i left this house I've never been too, I seen that all of the car windows on all of the cars down the street were smashed. I never found out if I was the one who did it.

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one night i went to a bachelor party. my buddy and i (for some RETARDED reason) thought we'd need 18 beers each. so we bought two 18 packs and started our night around 5pm. by the time we go to the party i had about 7 beers left and i was actually feeling ok. i did my socialization thing and somehow ended up in a hottub with two buddies and a couple girls who were invited to the party for entertainments sake. the 100 degree water wasnt boding well with my 12 ingested beers, so i got out, i took both of my buddies clothes and tossed them into the pool and went back inside the house. i dont remember if i puked or not, but i wasnt in good shape so i left. at that point it must have been around 10:30 or 11 because i was intent on taking the skytrain home to downtown. before i could get down the block, i stumbled backwards and lost my balance, hitting my head on the sidewalk. it was so dark, that i couldnt see for sure if there was blood on my hands but i could feel wetness so i thought for sure i had. i sat there trying to recover with my head in my hands when i woman approached and asked if i was ok. i told her i was fine and she told me if i needed anything "come to the house right here". i had my head in my hands at this point, so i didnt know where she was pointing to. she left i stayed sitting there. i told myself that there was no way i was getting home, so i decided to crawl into someones shrubs and pass out. i layed there, and the eventually puking motivated me to get up and go home. i got up and SOMEHOW made my way to the train station. the last thing i remembered was walking behind a guy and getting on the train in the direction i was supposed to be going.

i woke up at 3am slouched over with a transit worker telling me that the train was done for the night. i was in surrey. i had passed out on the train, hit the end of the line, then gone backwards all the way to the other end, then back and over the bridge into surrey. an approximate 2 hour trip.

 

from there i took a $80 cab ride home and woke up the next morning to my buddies banging on my door wondering where i was and how their clothes got soaked.

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i woke up at 3am slouched over with a transit worker telling me that the train was done for the night. i was in surrey. i had passed out on the train, hit the end of the line, then gone backwards all the way to the other end, then back and over the bridge into surrey. an approximate 2 hour trip.

for some reason that made me think of the drunk driving commercial with the drunk guy passed out on the train and the caption says "missed his stop. . . 13 times."

 

i can't really top that, and i certainly can't top Tucker Max, but this is a drinking story thread, so here's mine:

 

May long weekend, a bunch of my friends and I were drinking at a buddy's boathouse. We got fucked up hammered, to the point where I could no longer sit up straight, and my friend Sarah was making out with a guy she hated. I'm pretty sure we were playing strip poker when I realized I had to throw up. Rather than the intelligent choice of puking into the lake, I chose instead to puke on my friend's dock. In his drunken state he decided to clean it up with a bottle of vodka, and slipped on a rock, cutting his hand open in the process.

 

At this point we decided it was probably time to call it a night, but we still had to deal with the roughly 200 stairs that needed to be climbed to get back to the cabin. The first 7, from the boathouse to the dock, took me about 5 minutes, when I stopped to take a break at the boat. We started again, I got from the end of the boat, to the front of the boat, and needed another break. Finally we start the climb up the first part of the stairs, which have no railing. Tyler, our host, opts to wear my purse. We get about 5 steps up and I trip, and stumble into Tyler, who is also too drunk to stand. Both of us somehow managed to grab hold of the railing that starts just ahead of us as we both fall off the stairs, swing backwards off of the pole, and land in the dirt (upon sober investigation, we had fallen about 3 feet shy of a 15 foot drop onto rocks).

 

Another 20 minutes pass before we get to the top, I stop to throw up again, this time deciding the throwing up over the railing like a normal person is too obvious, so i duck my head under it instead. I get to Sarah's car and blacked out.

 

not quite as good as the time i got alcohol poisoning, but there it is.

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i told an ex-boss at his new years eve house party that i ran his fucking business.

 

that didn't go over well.

 

I woke up the next morning with a hang over and dry puke to clean all over the car.

Edited by Kyle86
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I have many drunken stories but my most recent is...

 

We decided to party it up in Detroit with friends from school to celebrate the end of the semester. Since drinks are mega expensive and I normally have a pretty high tolerance, I decided that donating blood that morning and not eating dinner would help me cause. I know...not smart.

 

So after about 5 mixed drinks and 4 shots of tequila in something like a 3 hour span, things start to get a little fuzzy. I do remember this one guy from my class dancing behind me and constantly grabbing around my abs and I was yelling "Stop Andy! You're hurting me" because I had done abs the day before.

 

Apparently, after I came back from the bathroom and trying to do up my belt for a good 10 minutes (which i have no recollection of) I sat on a bar stool and put my head down. A few seconds later I remember starting to feel sick and trying to crawl under the table. I ended up with my head under the table, throwing up on the floor with the hot guy from my class rubbing my back (don't that...grrr). The best part, there was a garbage pail 2 feet from where I was getting sick that I just couldn't see.

 

So, I get asked nicely to leave and proceed to get sick in the parking lot, in my friends car and in a CVS parking lot. I was unconscious for the Customs officers and they were unimpressed. My friend just flashed my ID and begged to let her take me home. This friend had never been to my house and gets bonus points for stealing my ID and figuring out where I live.

 

She drops me off and comes to the door to help me. I tell her "i on't be needing no helps" and slam the door in her face. I have NO idea how I got my contacts out or anything. All I know is the alarm went off at 8:45am for work and I woke up and only had a t-shirt on...inside out and backwards. I finally gave up on trying to find my pajama bottoms and just grabbed some sweats to leave my room. I get out and my parents ask "what happened last night?" to which I have to reply "I have no idea, why?". My father then tells me that they found my pajama bottoms and socks in a ball underneath the kitchen table and they were soaking wet.

 

Normally, even if I have some blanks from the night before, once someone tells me some events, I can piece everything else together. To this day, I have no idea how my pants and socks got under the kitchen table.

 

Ps-I cried the entire drive to work because i realized hottie saw my puke on the floor at a bar.

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At a house party, my best friend Alex and I got hammered. When we're drunk, every idea sounds like a good idea.

 

"Let's play gladiator!"

"YEAH!"

 

So we're in this chick's furnace room, balanced on a rolled up carpet, swinging at each other with brooms and paintbrushes when I lose my balance. I fell backwards and tried to garb onto a support beam thing. As I fall, I pull it down, and it slices my hand open in the process. I don't notice of course, until I see splotches of blood all over her wooden floor, and notice that my entire hand is red.

 

Luckily my lifeguard friend was there and he gauzed it up well for me as Alex apologized about ten thousand times.

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Guest jsunC

Ahaha, sunshine your story made me laugh.

 

Well when i was young and immature (5 months ago) i was at a friends party. I was pretty drunk, and when im drunk i like to climb things (couches, trees, tables). I was on my friends couch, and saw my beer on the table. I decided to jump off of the table and grab my beer. During my ascent i smashed my head off of a metal ceiling fan. Blood began to squirt out of the side of my head. Needless to say i went to the hospital, and had to get 5 stitches in the side of my head.

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Hahaha, my friends and I were going to a party on the same night as my first ever shift working at Panago, and my whole shift my friends Damien and Karl were behind panago, out the back door, with two two-sixes of rum and a two litre of Coke. My first shift ever I was drinking on the job! Haha, after an hour or so, because it was busy and the boss was working in the front, my friends were actually in the back of Panago with me just messing around. At the end of my shift we had polished off the a two six and over half the Coke. The funny thing is, my boss said "Good job tonight" as I was leaving, and to this date, I'm one of his favorite employees(which is a bad thing cause that means i work the rush). Then there was the party after but that's a different story. It was one of the funniest times of my life.

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Ok, so I was at a pub with some friends. Over the course of a couple hours I had 5 pints and an undetermined amount of shots, not including the beers I had at home beforehand.

My friend tells me that at one point I kicked open the mens room door and yelled "HEEEEYYYY!!" as loud asone can. this put the fear of god into some guy taking a piss at a urinal. he jumped and then ran out without washing his hands.

We left the pub around 10 or so and I went and sat in the back of some persons car in the parking lot ( I don't know who or why). Anyway, that was quickly resolved, my friends apologized and that was that. on our way home I convinced my friend to drop me and my other friend off at a pub on our way home where I had another pint. Apparently I asked the guy sitting next to me "are you gay or something?" to which he responded, "no. are you?" Luckily I didn't get the shit beaten out of me.

My friend took me home and in spite of my wanting to go out to drink more. I was resistant and my brother and best friend took my shoes. I snuck outside through the back door and ran away while barefoot, yelling profanities at anybody. I ran away from my friend and into a neighbourhood where people only go if they want to get drugs, or get shot.My friend brought me home while my brother called the police.

When the two officered arrived I was sitting on the bench on my porch. They asked me to go inside, although I refused and instructed them on my rights , which I seemed to know. The cops were obviously new to the job and had trouble refuting my argument, which was surprisingly convincing. The officers didn't know what to do and said things like, "don't call me buddy .I'm not your buddy". I told them not to patronize me and to get off my porch. At any rate, I was escorted halfway towards the police car before I told them, "alright I'll just go to bed".

My parents woke me up the next morning, wondering why I was lying on the living room floor with puke all over myself.

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Guest jsunC

Here's some more stories caz im bored.

 

While at a party i was in the bathroom urinating, and for some reason i thought it would be hilarious if someone tried to do a headstand on the toilet(Hands on the side of the toilet bowl, head in the middle dangling over the water). So i found the drunkest person at the party, and convinced him to do it. It's pretty easy to see what happened next. He did the headstand, held it for about half a second and then just fell head first in to the toilet. Luckily we caught this on camera so it can never be forgotten. Funniest thing i've ever seen in my life.

 

Alright heres another because im bored. I was at my buddys party, and i was pretty blotto. I was playing with one of those birds that bobs back and forth (like on the simpsons, the bird that "is drinking the wateR!"). After about 2 minutes of playing with it, it fell off of the shelf and broke. The red dye went everywhere, on buddys computer desk, the floor, and the door. I thought this was absolutely hilarious so i ran out of the house in my bare feet yelling, "i killed the bird, blood EVERYWHERE"

The red dye is still on the door and desk to this day.

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This one time I was quail hunting and I accidently shot my friend in the face.

 

Wait, that wasn't me, that was Dick Cheney.

haha, that was well played ;)

 

it's an over-used joke, but it still gets me.

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Ya...nice!

 

I usually remember most of my drunk nights, but they usually fly by anyways, so there's not much to piece together. One of the worst stories was last December:

 

every year there is an advertising party called the BES at the Sheraton. It's free booze from 5-7 and then you have to hit up sales reps or friends for drink tickets. I get there at 5:30 and pound back about 8 50-50 vodka sprites before 7pm. Tanked out of my mind, I ask one of my sales reps if he wants to go smoke a joint, he says sure...a few minutes later my client from Home Depot shows up and I immediately ask him "want to smoke a joint?", he thinks for a second and says "Yeaaaaaa". That was how I spent my night, drinking my face off and smoking every few hours. I get home around 2am and smoke one last J and pass out. When my alarm went off for work the next morning, I felt like I closed my eyes and woke up instead of getting any sleep. Due to this, I'm still wasted and baked out of my mind at 7:30am. I puke down the door of my mom's van (borrowed from work) as she drives me to the GO (train) station. Luckily she doesn't see/hear, so I kick it out the door when she drops me off. Then I get to sit on the train for the next 45 mins as it rocks from side to side...I sat near the bathroom in case I had to puke again (luckily I managed). I work the full morning wasted & baked, before I sober up at lunch. That was one of the roughest times of my life.

 

I think I'll take it easier this year.

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At a Christmas party, we had a secret Santa thing among the employees. One of my managers was dressed as Santa giving out the presents and I was right wasted by the time the present giving came around. I kinda stuck my butt at him and said "i've been naughty, spank me and give me a lump of coal". I felt very at work the next day.

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Well i have a ton of them, lets see.

it used to be a every weekend thing that all of my husbands friends and mine would get together at our house and get pissed drunk and play strip poker(i have some awesome pics)that was always a blast. that one was kind of boring let me try another.

so i was bartending at my cousins grandparents 50th wedding anniversery a week ago (no not my grandparents). so after a while of serving drinks i decide it's time for me to start drinking as well. i pounded back 5 shots and about 8 drinks. people were trying to get the band to play a certain song and they wouldn't so i had my mother (yikes) write it on my stomach then i ran up and flashed the band. they stopped singing for a moment and laughed. then later trashed out of my tree i was dancing and the band kept fucking up the words to the song. i go so pissed off that i jumped on the stage pushed the guitar player out of the way and sang the song myself.(i'm totally tone deaf). well the next day my cousin looks at me and says that her grandparents thought i was great, but she says i don't think the bartender is supposed to get drunker than the customers. OOOOPPS. i have another one that the men would love but i think that is supposed to go under the sticky situations board

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